Things I Don’t Want To Do This Weekend

I’d prefer not to step in anything, so it’s best if I don’t walk anywhere in Greenpoint. And if at all possible, I don’t want to get on the L train. Leaving the house should be optional, if it’s allowed at all. Have you been outside the house? Everyone’s wearing makeup out there. It’s inhumane. [...]

Take A Trip To The Nostalgia Factory

I was in the unfortunate position yesterday of having to listen to a speech. When was the last time you were at a good speech? For me, it was basically never. I’ve given two or three speeches in my life and I’ve got to tell you, even those were pretty awful. And I have an [...]

Ahmadinejad Blushes Over Misinformation

Oh my gosh, it is so embarrassing when you say something that turns out to be false and then EVERYONE finds out about your mistake. You know, like at a party, or at work, or at a highly-controversial speaking engagement at Columbia. Making a verbal snafu is the WORST, you guys! I mean, sticking your [...]

Skyscrapers Is Pimps Too

Middle finger to God, yo! Go on, brush your scaffolding off.
(I AM SO SORRY ABOUT THAT JOKE)
But let’s be serious for a minute. Let’s talk about skyscrapers*.

* Note: “skyscrapers” here refers to buildings that are like ten stories tall. If you are not from New York, you will note that we have twenty-story fire hydrants [...]

Things They Do Look Awful C-C-Cold, I Hope I Die Before I Get Old

Yes that’s right. I’m talkin’ bout my generation.
You guys are aware that we’re being shat on in the media by the very flannel-wearing, pizza-faced slacketarians who used to babysit us and lifeguard at the pool when we were little, right? Well join me up here on this high-horse, because as Charlotte put it, “it’s [...]

Escape From New York

Here’s something I realized today: I can never go anywhere again.
For quite awhile, I’ve been meaning to take a trip to Chicago. It ought to be just like home: Polish and Irish as all get-out, freezing, and you’re reasonably likely to be killed. Works for me!
But I can’t go to Chicago. Moreso, I can’t go [...]

I’ll have the Nazi Melt

Last night, Zach and I were enjoying our full, young, energetic lives in NYC by shutting ourselves in, sitting on the couch and watching the first of ALL OF THE INDIANA JONES MOVIES, which we tivo’d off of cable this weekend (in preparation for the new Indiana Jones movie that has that wacky Lewis Stevens [...]

The Official Sport of Brooklyn is Complaining

As one of only a few weblogs set in the idyllic North Brooklyn paradise of Greenpoint, we feel it is periodically our responsibility to discuss the other Internet weblogs that are updated from our fair paradise on the East River. (Paradise-on-Newtown-Creek is hard to say.) But there’s a problem! And not the sort of problems [...]

Pizza Racism Crisis!

Note: In the following blog post, the word “racism” does not actually refer to racism.
Ladies and gentlemen, please gather around. We have a matter of much urgency to discuss. This Saturday, at approximately 7:50 PM, in Brooklyn, New York, we were discriminated against. With racism.
It started as a pleasant evening, much like any other. Since [...]

Comic Couture

If you like Superheroes and their comics or even just their tights, then maybe you should follow this convenient link to the Metropolitan Museum’s Store, which has outdone itself by having every book I didn’t even know existed and now want more than anything ever in the world. You can order a book online if [...]