Living In Brooklyn Is Awesome In Every Possible Way

I once told a room (well, Internet room) full of people that, in Brooklyn, it “rained flowers.” Of course, it does not do that. Mostly it is like this.

But living in Brooklyn is still great! Here is some examples of all the fun that you can be having for happiness:

  1. Blogs
  2. People wear incredibly stupid-looking things
  3. Eating (note: not after 8 PM)
  4. Gentrifying stuff
  5. Complaining about #2 through #4

No. Brooklyn is a tense place. One time a guy spit on me from a moving car. This woman who isn’t our landlady refuses to talk to me, although she also accepts my rent. (Or some other lady does. I don’t know.) The general perception is that we are rich jerks.

Of course, the irony here is that we are the poorest people on our block, because everyone else pays approximately $8 per decade in rent, because they have been living on the block for 912 years, and that is how rent control works. Plus we are fairly poor even by normal standards, and they all drive two cars and smoke Cuban cigars and… drink in fancy bars, while we sit on the couch watching reruns and not turning the lights on because lights cost money. So whatever.

Our block also features:

  1. Block parties (we are sort of implicitly not invited to these, and last year we both hid inside with the curtains closed)
  2. A bunch of punk 10-year-olds that throw bikes at their little sister
  3. There was a big frigging fire in 2004 or so, and like 10 houses were damaged, and so everybody banded together by putting up really terrible looking fake stucco and brick on all of those houses, so all of those houses look like crap
  4. A diner at the end of the block where there’s no soda fountain and everything is made out of the same ingredients you buy at the grocery store, except not always cooked all the way through
  5. A pretty sweet Iranian bodega
  6. One time an armored car got robbed while people were eating at the diner

Welcome to Brooklyn! Official motto: “we’re going to kill you, except if it doesn’t happen to be a high-crime era in the city’s history, in which case we’ll just be sort of snobby and rude.” We hope you will ❤ it here.

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2 Comments

Filed under 36757, brooklyn, Zach

2 responses to “Living In Brooklyn Is Awesome In Every Possible Way

  1. Mix Master Awesome

    Fuck this terrible post!

  2. Emily

    Are puppies also available not cooked all the way through?

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