Living in Brooklyn has corrected my tragically skewed idea of what is a “real job.” I used to be stupid like people who think that offices, health insurance, wearing shoes, and having marketable skills are important things about jobs and “careers,” but now I know the real truth by finding out about “freelancing.”
People in Brooklyn have jobs that don’t do any of the above things, and I am SO JEALOUS because I still have to get up at 9:45, put on Vans and ironic jewelry sometimes wash my face and go into Manhattan like some kind of primitive rube from Kansas every day. But everything is going to change!
Now I know that you can get a DIY or freelance job by being resourceful and turning something that isn’t useful or beneficial to anyone into something people will pay for and put you in Bust or Vice magazines for. ULTIMATE GOALS!
The main thing is to be very confident that the thing you offer will make people feel cooler if they know about it or own it, and also make sure that you can produce it from your house or McCarren Park on a laptop.
Note: based on people I know who are the most confident, skinny, and successful at freelancing and drinking a lot, an integral element is cocaine. You can be like this and feel certain that you are beautiful, WHICH WOULD BE SO LIBERATING AND MAKE YOU TURN INTO A MOVIE STAR!:
Here are my ideas so far on breaking lucrative non-industry by exploiting other people’s boredom and vanity like a true Brooklyn-job-haver.
Idea 1: Make this blog really popular.
My dream job is to do all this same typing right here that I’m doing, only not have to squint at my computer screen, look frustrated, occasionally mutter “God damn it” and shuffle papers around and do other things that make it seem like I might be working on a spreadsheet or other work thing that is part of my real job. I would rather balance a laptop on my stomach and do this from my couch while I eat Spaghetti-Os, watch the View, and nap.
That is because it would be nice to have free time during the work week to “work on my art” or “my grad school apps” or “my book” or “go outside,” which are the things I would tell people I do so that they would be jealous that I am so well-rounded.
Idea 2: Make something awesome and sell it to everyone!
My other brilliant plan is to make the thing that people (like me and my equally vain, materialistic friends) are talking about on Bedford Avenue when they say “yo biatch where did you nab that tight __________? You look like Feist wearing that ____________. Or whatever, I don’t care. She is such a sell-out.”
The truth is that everyone wants to look like or be like Feist even though/especially because she is Canadian and her music is associated with ipods!
The other person will roll their eyes and be like “um, if you don’t already know about it then I can’t tell you, obvs.”
Then the first person will want it really bad and come into my online web store later where they will order some of __________ from me so that I can work on my art while I nap during the View.
An example of something that could turn into a nationwide fad overnight with no warning is something unexpected and delightful, like:
I could have thought of that!
This especially works if you artfully “bring something back” like slap bracelets or the monocle.
Idea 3: learn to be a “web designer” “graphic designer” “stylist” “culture reporter” “editor” or some other fake-sounding, fun-being job you can have in New York where you get to party for free and sleep for most of the day. IT IS NOT SO MUCH TO ASK TO BE RICH FOR NO REASON.
Last week I had a great idea of a craft I could sell to liberate me from 9-5 life and help me to be even lazier and thus cooler and more Brooklyny, but I worked really hard and spent $115 on it and realized that I am bad at crafts and nobody wants headbands with fake birds and rhinestones sitting on top of them even though I consider it festive. Also how do you hide hot glue strands? I’m not a fucking engineer! Now I have the most fake birds lying around out of anyone I know. That is not so great….
I look back and chuckle at how folksy and small-town-like I was when I was frustrated and worried about the fact that I am not even good at art and barely know how to use a computer, and that my recent insistence that I need an “art job” would not hold up in court unless it was clown court, which isn’t a legal type of courts.
BUT THEN I FOUND OUT ABOUT INVENTING A JOB BASED ON WRITING ABOUT CELEBS OR BANDS ONINE OR SCREEN PRINTING DINOSAURS OR BAKING VEGAN COOKIES OR SEWING T SHIRTS TOGETHER TO MAKE A RUG.
All I need is the following:
JUST YOU WAIT!