Hello, friend! If you are like me, you are a 22-year-old single man living in Brooklyn. Which means that, statistically, you are not like me. Even if you are a man, and 22, and live in Brooklyn, it is quite unlikely. The reason is that ladies are the problem, especially here in Brooklyn. As Jay-Z (also from Brooklyn, have I mentioned Brooklyn enough Brooklyns?) said, “I have 99 problems, and women are 78 of them!”
Here is a drawing of a Brooklyn lady of the typical variety:
WARNING: This drawing is 100% accurate
Of course, there is nothing wrong with this. Everyone likes their ladies with funny hair and way too many piercings and T-shirts with dumb things written on them and big glasses. Well, I do, and I don’t care what you think, because we are talking about issues of personal taste you stupid bastard. But as it turns out, ladies don’t like the exact same thing, except for “guys” instead of “ladies”, and “not any piercings at all” instead of the thing I said about piercings. One time I got somebody else’s piercing stuck in my facial hair, which was not all that difficult to do, at the time, because I had a pimp beard. This is why ladies are the problem.
Now you say “but ladies can’t be the problem! Think of all the larger problems in the world!” Boy. You are so wrong it makes my head hurt. Think about the logic.
* If ladies were not the problem, would somebody be complaining about them on the Internet? QED. Nobody’s f-bombing complaining about global warming.
Now, you’re saying “but wait a minute, Brooklyn is full of fine ladies. Surely statistically some of them have some sort of genetic problem that forces them to love you.” Yes, that would seem likely, except for the fact that all these ladies are fake. You know how God put those dinosaur skeletons in the ground to test if you believed in Jesus? This is exactly like that. Those ladies are, in fact, made out of fossil fuels and will mostly make your car go. But the joke is on you, because nobody in Brooklyn has a car! You don’t know things!
This is exactly what ladies are like. Horses are baby dinosaurs.
Poorly-Thought-Out Argument Number Two: “But ladies are sexy!” No they aren’t! You’re thinking of Robert Redford. Now that’s sexy. QED. I’m going to go cry.