The Official Sport of Brooklyn is Complaining

As one of only a few weblogs set in the idyllic North Brooklyn paradise of Greenpoint, we feel it is periodically our responsibility to discuss the other Internet weblogs that are updated from our fair paradise on the East River. (Paradise-on-Newtown-Creek is hard to say.) But there’s a problem! And not the sort of problems this blog has (1. too awesome, 2. awfully well-written, 3. witty and insightful — oh wait, that’s not a problem). No sir.

Anyway, the problem with all the other Greenpoint blogs is that they completely suck and make me want to kill myself. Although I have lived in Greenpoint but a single year, I have somehow avoided becoming an insane old codger hurling rocks at my neighbors, as these other sons of bitches have. Here’s an actual excerpt [note: not an actual excerpt] [but it basically is] from the other three Greenpoint blogs:

This morning Studio B installed new glass in their windows. How dare they! These damn hipsters! I hope they fall out a window! Morgan Avenue! Trust funds! Don’t they realize that boring morons moved to this neighborhood, pay too much rent, and therefore have a right to complain about the fact that all kinds of young weird people have been living here since the mid-1980s? Don’t they realize how great it is to be DULL and ANGRY?!?

So, um, (A) trust funds? (That part is a quote.) Do you even know anybody with a trust fund? Does anyone? Have these people ever left their apartments? If hipsters weren’t mostly white, this sort of thing would be racist! And (B) why did you move to hipster-land if you wanted to have a quiet, uninteresting life? I know they don’t always warn you in Time Out New York — and sometimes real estate brokers don’t do it either! but there’s sort of a scene here that isn’t just reloading the diehipster message boards over and over! I know it’s hard to generate content (when you’re not wandering around laughing at homeless encampments for some f’ing reason, and taking pictures of kittens, and of dog crap [I’ll spare you the link], and tacitly making fun of people on the street), but it’s embarrassing that a neighborhood with so many interesting people in it can’t come up with an original thought that isn’t just sorry-assed whining. However, I am pleased because I can now award the Monitor Street Smackdown the following award:

The thing is that these other blogs did not always suck this bad. We all knew that Greenpoint was toxic (har har, “toxic” also means “mean”), but apparently whatever chemicals are in the air and in the soil here turn you into a silly jackass who can find nothing more interesting to do than to complain about construction and fear change and shriek about “hipsters” (watch out, we’re coming to your house — and we’re RELATIVELY POOR and wearing STRANGE CLOTHING and talking about BANDS). Every time I add a 11222 blog to my subscription list, I know it’ll be no more than a month before it starts shaking its cane at something. But everyone I actually know in this neighborhood is pretty nice. We’ve all been wearing our gas masks, I guess.

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Filed under brooklyn, general complaints, not real life, Zach

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