I’ll have the Nazi Melt

Last night, Zach and I were enjoying our full, young, energetic lives in NYC by shutting ourselves in, sitting on the couch and watching the first of ALL OF THE INDIANA JONES MOVIES, which we tivo’d off of cable this weekend (in preparation for the new Indiana Jones movie that has that wacky Lewis Stevens in it, and don’t you dare pretend you don’t know who Lewis Stevens is, okay.)

First let me say this, have you seen Raiders since you were 10? I hadn’t. So I was surprised to find that in place of a serious, fast-paced, history-meets-adventure tale full of nail-biting suspense and beautiful scenery I ended up with this:

One question: is it true that faces melt before hats!? How can we test this without ruining nice hats?

Even though the Nazis were partially hilarious in this movie (their accent will always remind me of that fat caterpillar from A Bug’s Life), it reminded me of last summer when I revisited Salute Your Shorts only to find out to my horror that, despite thinking it dramatic/comedic genius at age 9, now I see that it isn’t a really great summer camp show, and it’s barely even campy. It’s actually just a lot of bad acting and side ponytails, which is something I can do on my own without TV anytime I want, thanks.

Now for some disturbing facts about car bombs! DRAW YOUR OWN CONCLUSIONS!

1. (If you ignore the hypothesis that there was one in Istanbul in 1905) the first car bomb happened in 1920 in New York City (SHOUT OUT!) on Wall and Broad Streets, shortly after the arrest of Sacco and Vanzetti. It exploded a horse and carriage. GRUESOME!

Thus, car bombs are not Irish, but American.

2. The 1981 release of Raiders of the Lost Ark coincided with the Soviet Afghan War, where carbombs happened!

INTERESTING!

3. There is a totally sweet carbomb explosion in Raiders!

SUSPICIOUS!

THUS, CAR BOMBS ARE AMERICAN AND INDIANA JONES IS AMERICAN AND BECAUSE OF MOVIES AND ACCESSIBLE INFORMATION AND MCWORLD, WE TOLD THE MIDDLE EAST ABOUT CAR BOMBS AND NOW THEY CAN USE THEM ON US.

I can’t believe George Lucas hates America even though most people have forgiven him for Jar Jar Binks!

Seriously, wtf.

(Warning: please check zero facts reported in this post)