Escape From New York

Here’s something I realized today: I can never go anywhere again.

For quite awhile, I’ve been meaning to take a trip to Chicago. It ought to be just like home: Polish and Irish as all get-out, freezing, and you’re reasonably likely to be killed. Works for me!

But I can’t go to Chicago. Moreso, I can’t go anywhere. How much do you think flying to Chicago costs? $40? $60? Well, you’re an idiot, it costs a HUNDRED FORTY DOLLARS now. Each way!

The only car I can use now gets less miles to the gallon than the car I drove in high school, and gas is so expensive that DRIVING would cost more than FLYING. “What about Amtrak,” you say, but it takes 26 hours to get to Chicago and there’s no sleeper car, even! Don’t make me kill you!

I’m never leaving the city! Because I can’t! Nobody can! We’re almost to the point where a beer in NYC is cheaper than a gallon of gas! Would you rather drive 25 miles or drink a beer? Boy, what a tough question! And soon it’ll be cheaper to buy a gallon of beer!

ASIDE: Why doesn’t anybody sell beer in gallon form? And also there should be a “beerman” that comes to your house in a white uniform, drops off a six-pack, takes the empty bottles, and sleeps with your wife while you’re at work. That’s right, my wife, I know all about your affair with the beerman!

So, anyway, I’m giving up on my dream of ever seeing the exotic, distant city of Chicago. Instead, I’m off to drink three gallons of suddenly-affordable beer. I sure hope beer isn’t made using increasingly-expensive grain! I can’t even afford to operate my bike, because of the high cost of pedaling! What’s that? You’re saying pedaling is free? You are a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing!


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Filed under general complaints, Zach

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