Things I Don’t Want To Do This Weekend

I’d prefer not to step in anything, so it’s best if I don’t walk anywhere in Greenpoint. And if at all possible, I don’t want to get on the L train. Leaving the house should be optional, if it’s allowed at all. Have you been outside the house? Everyone’s wearing makeup out there. It’s inhumane. The other day I was sitting on the subway while a guy who basically looked exactly like me sat there painstakingly applying blush, using the window as a mirror. And I’m not talking about casual blush. I’m talking Las Vegas in summertime.

If I learn any new slang this weekend, I’ll be seriously pissed off. I’ve been saying “Man, it’s really hot and noise” for days and people keep sidling away from me. I don’t want to turn the air conditioner off, ever. I also don’t want to sit in front of the air conditioner until all the moisture leaves my body and I die. Don’t laugh. It’s happened before. In my past life I was sort of a dumber version in myself and that’s how they took me down. Although I don’t feel like believing in reincarnation right this sec.

I don’t want to go to Union Pool. Last time, some guy blew smoke in my face and spilled a beer on my shoe at the same time. He was wearing a sport coat, and not ironically! What, you didn’t have time to change between work and 11 PM the next day? The PBR is like $4, that’s ridiculous. A six-pack shouldn’t cost more than three bucks. In fact, all beer-related activities are out. And all the hard liquor in my fridge has been there since high school. Midori and orange-flavored vodka, anyone? You can chase it with somewhat soured milk!

Cafe Grumpy sucks ass for some reason. A week ago there was a girl sitting in the corner, reading a book with a cigarette in her mouth. You can’t smoke in coffee shops, but that girl was definitely letting me know: sometime in the next two hours, she was planning on smoking! Thanks for the heads-up! Coffee makes me jittery and nervous anyway, I’m already way too on edge. I don’t feel like cooking but all the restaurants are way too expensive; I’m trying to save money here. The grocery store is closed anyway and the roaches finished off the last of my cereal.

All the blogs are too depressing, and if I use my laptop my lap gets way too hot, so I can’t even check my email over and over. I refuse to read a book. Besides, if I lie in bed my head hurts, and the couch is filthy. The only comfortable way to read a book is on the subway, and I think I mentioned that I’m not getting on the subway. I won’t ride my bike, either, the tires are flat and there’s too much stuff in my closet for me to find the pump. I don’t get why nobody is calling. OMGWTF.

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1 Comment

Filed under general complaints, Zach

One response to “Things I Don’t Want To Do This Weekend

  1. The Once and Future Queen

    You were even whinier than me this weekend. Wow.

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