Across The Sea

Not so long ago, I found out I was a Dutch citizen! In addition to being an American citizen, I am now Hollandaise like Eggs Benedict, my friends. And you know that that means:

That’s right: it means you are a racist.

In all seriousness, there are a lot of benefits to dual citizenship. For example:

  1. Being treated suspiciously at airports
  2. The opportunity to pay more taxes
  3. You can blog about it, like this
  4. Europeans are not asked or expected to see “The Happening”
  5. Extra taxes
  6. Wooden shoes… you racist
  7. Taxes

There are downsides, though. For example, if I get bored, I can just move to Spain. That sucks. And America has its charms: Big Macs, war, terrifying social conservatism, your choice of Dakotas or Carolinas…

Another downside: Amsterdam is the damn devil. I may be the only American in the history of the city of Amsterdam to travel there in order to specifically not sleep with prostitutes or smoke unfiltered marijuana, or buy Marijuanette gum, which I guess helps you quit. I was the American that showed up, tried to speak Dutch to everybody (failed), tried not to spend $6 on a slice of pizza (failed, TWICE), refused to go to the Van Gogh museum, and got unbelievably pissed off. When I ended the trip, I’d been sitting in Schipol Airport for seven hours because I was too angry at Amsterdam.

Still. I am learning the language (“Excuse me hello sir can I purchase a ticket for metrotrain backwards Amsterdam with happiness?”). I have a little button on my web browser bar that tells me when the flights are. And I live in New York, which used to be called New Amsterdam, duh. And “Brooklyn” is Dutch for “Brueckelen”, an old Dutch word meaning “City where everyone gets a stupid haircut or becomes ostracized.” And “New York” is a Dutch word too, but you don’t even want to know what it means.

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Filed under brooklyn, real life, Zach

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