I’m Running For Mayor

Here at Smackdown HQ, things have been decidedly sedate lately. Probably it’s the heat, or the fact that our air conditioner, if one person is in the room, keeps the living room just cold enough that you can sit in it comfortably if you never move. So we’ve settled into a sort of summer hibernation (like a regular hibernation, but opposite). Stumbling home, dripping with sweat, exhausted, our hair held on mostly by duct tape at this point, sitting on the couch for a few cartoons, then waking up at 8:45, still on the couch, and realizing there’s no time to shower.

Well, anyway, let’s spice this shit up. As you may or may not know, next year is an election year, which means our wunderkind mayor will be forced to leave office. Or Manhattan will secede from the boroughs and elect him mayor-for-life; that wouldn’t surprise me either. Still! There’s going to be an election, and without Our Man Bloomy in the running, let’s have a quick look at the contenders and their pitches…

Helen Marshall
“I was on All In The Family”

Christine Quinn
“Let’s be fair, I may be corrupt but you haven’t had a lesbian mayor yet”

John Castidimatis
“Hey, electing an unattractive billionaire worked last time”

Marty Markowitz
“Good Shabbos! Oh, fuck, I’m not supposed to be in a car.”

Tony Avella
“I fear teenagers and change”

Ray Kelly
“Vote for me, I’m fucking terrifying”

Betsy Gotbaum
“My name used to be Betsy Flower… no, really”

Fernando Ferrer
“Uh, Zach, I don’t think I’m actually running this year”

John Liu
“I promise to be the worst mayor ever”
“Also, this is the only known photograph of me”

What a good-looking group of people. Problem is, they are all fucking horrible. Where are the crackpots? Where’s Christopher X Brodeur? I’ll tell you where. He’s in prison again. (Right?) So I am forced to become Christopher X Brodeur.


My platform is simple:

  • Rent is free
  • More bars
  • More bars in more places
  • Free beer
  • Outlaw running for mayor by people who are not me
  • Pancake breakfasts delivered by helicopter
  • Word “hipster” outlawed
  • Subway is free, and flies through the air
  • Declare war on Philadelphia
  • Secede from United States
  • Become part of Peru, for the sweet oil revenues
  • Every third building demolished, just for yuks
  • Central air… everywhere
  • Verify that Peru has oil

I’m like Norman Mailer 1967, but I haven’t beat my wife yet. Vote for me… or be destroyed!



Filed under manhattan, real life, Zach

3 responses to “I’m Running For Mayor

  1. Alex

    Oh yeah. Your political moves in the past have always ended so wonderfully.

  2. vozhd

    chris isn’t in jail! i just saw him last week!
    …this is not saying he won’t pull some asinine shit soon & get put BACK in jail, but he still claims to have really enjoyed it. also to have not dropped the soap.

  3. Pingback: I’m Running For Vice President « The Monitor Street Smackdown

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