The Fragile Ecosystem Of My Bathroom

So, I came home the other night. And… how can I put this? I’d had a few. And then they got lonely, so I had a few more. Have you ever seen a drink separated from its friends? It’s like watching an angel cry. Then I walked home from Sunnyside at 3 AM, because that’s just how I roll.

First thing I did when I walked in the door at 3:08 (I can walk *very* fast when drunk, and really I left the bar at like 3:06 to boot, like Michael Johnson) was get in the (gold shoes) shower, despite my somewhat altered state of consciousness. You see, my dream has always been to be killed in a completely avoidable household accident, like Dave Matthews. (Hopefully, I mean.)

And when I finished toweling off, I very nearly got my wish, because there was a cockroach crawling around the sink. And not one of those friendly cockroaches from Song of the South that sing and dance and grant the wishes of lonely wooden dolls, no, no, not one of those motherfuckers. This cockroach was twenty-two inches long. It needed a haircut, badly. It bumped up against me, dropped its sunglasses, and said I had to pay for a new pair, cash. It said it could get me tickets to the Today Show. It cast racist aspersions on me for not helping out. Three days later, I saw it on the subway saying it was an Iraq veteran and selling Snickers for $1.50 out of a bunch of boxes held together with mailing tape. Then it breakdanced with its five-year-old brother. This was a total sociopathic motherfucking cockroach.

Now, I don’t know if you’ve seen me when I’m the worse for liquor, but I get jumpy, friendo. I sprinted out of the shower. My lovely co-blogger will testify that I actually stacked a bunch of books against my bedroom door while I slept, lest the clever creatures follow me the forty-one feet from the bathroom and come to my room while I’m asleep and lay eggs in my goddamn mouth.

This sort of thing stresses me out slightly.

The last time I saw a roach, I’d just woken up. It was about three inches long and it crawled out of my line of sight so quickly — and I was so unable to find it — that I wrote it off as a hallucination. And it’s okay to ignore them. Roaches are a vital part of living in New York, like worrying about terrorism and eating $6 egg sandwiches every day. Like power outages and subway strikes. You can forget about them for months, even years at a time, but they’re there. Oh, yes. The roaches are still there. They’re hanging out in the 1/8″ gap between the sink and the wall, demanding 32% wage increases and delivering rolling blackouts whenever the temperature breaks 80. They’re the rent-controlled tenants of the bathroom-kitchen boroughs. They are fucking everywhere and all I want to do is go to sleep without thinking about tiny legs on my face. Goddammit.

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9 Comments

Filed under general complaints, vermin, Zach

9 responses to “The Fragile Ecosystem Of My Bathroom

  1. Justin

    The roach in Wall-E was so much better than that gross mofo.

  2. Camille

    Have you ever woken up with a roach crawling on your face? That is what life is growing up kinda poor in Florida. Roaches on sleeping face. HORRIFYING. I still sleep with something covering both of my ears due to fear that a bug will crawl in my ears while I am sleeping.
    All I’m saying is, exterminate those motherfuckers with extreme prejudice. Also, I found the roach in wall-e horrifying.

  3. Emily

    HOLY CHRIST ALMIGHTY IS THAT THING REAL?!?

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  5. Rebecca

    HOLY FUCKING SHIT. Jesus, I saw a cockroach just like that one in third grade at my elementary school’s cafeteria. IT FUCKING CRAWLED RIGHT UNDER MY FUCKING FEET. Even sadder is that my elementary school, though old, was said to be a relatively good one. At least, that’s what you’d expect when the follow-up high school is one of the best (if not THE best) public schools on Long Island.

    THAT SHIT IS MOTHERFUCKING SCARY.

  6. Mary

    A bug that size is just too much for my brain to comprehend and I can’t imagine having to share my space with “that”…definitely a high “Ewww Factor”.
    I really enjoyed reading your story. You write very well.

  7. That is a hilarious piece of writing there bro. Goddamn that fella’s huge as!
    Jordan Lane,
    Hamilton
    NZ

  8. J-R

    Wow, that’s a big motherfucking cockroach.
    I’m not scared of insects except cockroaches – they’re disgusting and everywhere. It took me 20 minutes to kill ONE cockroach (no joke). Smash, squeeze, flush, damn … it took me a long time to kill that bugger.

    Ahh, and nice blog. I laughed my ass off.

  9. Laura

    I didn’t know whether to laugh my ass off at your clever writing abilities, or throw up at the sight of that bus-sized bug. Cockroaches are gross-but bossy cockroaches are super sized a-holes. Good luck with that.

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