So, you may or may not have seen our piece in Fodor’s, but as it turns out Smackdown HQ is one of New York’s finest apartments. They went on TV and talked all about it. In honor of this honor, I’ve composed the following sonnet:
Forty-four feet long, and the width? About seven
Us and this apartment, a match made in heaven.
What’s that you say? That’s not quite a sonnet? Try reading between the lines; you’ll see the rest of it. Anyhow, we’ll be featured on This Old Tenement next week, although we didn’t win the award for “Best placement of bathroom,” because the bathroom is real hard to get to. There’s a damn ladder. But Bob Vila is going to help us put together all the IKEA furniture that’s sitting, rusting in the corner. Wood usually doesn’t rust. I don’t even know how they do that.
The reason that I’m talking up our happy home is that I have a new job. So do several hundred other people, and I have lunch with all of them. And all of them have just rented apartments. My new lunchtime diversion is to ask them where they live and how much they pay. [Note to foreigners: It is only acceptable to ask someone this in New York City, for some reason]
Summary: They pay SO much money. And as a New Yorker, you help this happen. After all, did you know that hyping New York rents is the best way to trick newcomers into paying $2000 for studio apartments in old buildings in Northern New Jersey? $2300 to live with a roommate, in Bushwick? (I have specific individuals in mind.) “Oh, just moved to the city and you’re looking for a one-bedroom in Williamsburg? I hope you’re prepared to pay $8200.” Meanwhile, my apartment is actually free. They give these out sometimes. Oh, you didn’t hear about it? Don’t they get NY1 in Iowa? Haven’t you heard of inflation?