Dress to Impress Success

Did you know that the workplace includes a system of complex dress codes?

Yeah, that’s right, that’s what we’re talking about today. Put down your ironic T-shirts and internet porns and pay some attention.

These are confusing rules! Let me give you some examples. I was asked to wear “business formal” one day, so I wore a sweater. Everyone else wore a blazer. Dammit. But on the west coast, I don’t think business formal even has to include pants. I try to dress like Brendan Fraser every day, and we all know that’s not really the way to go.

Only the finest suspenders will do.

Brendan Fraser is just trying to be Indiana Jones anyway. So, with that in mind, I’m proposing the following set of Harrison Ford-based guidelines, and they shall heretofore be used in every American workplace:

Casual: “Day At The Beach”


Business casual: Indiana Jones-style unbuttoned shirt with stains
[also I don’t have any other shirts]

For more formal events, I recommend the following ensembles:

  • Semi-formal: “I want my family back”
  • Business formal: Full Indiana Jones costume with fedora and whip
  • Formal: Indiana Jones professor outfit with tweed blazer and effeminate bowtie
  • Black tie: “Air Force One” — just wear the normal formal outfit, but pull the tie down and screw with the collar a little
  • White tie: “Bruce Willis in Die Hard Crawling Through An Air Conditioning Vent”

Can we all agree this would be a huge improvement, and make everyone better-looking to boot? Besides, it’s not easy to get them mixed up. Imagine showing up for a state dinner wearing an effeminate bowtie! You fop! Meanwhile, everyone else in their ripped, sweat-drenched tank tops laughing at you. And STARING. You probably should have read our blog more.

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3 Comments

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3 responses to “Dress to Impress Success

  1. Camille

    If it makes you feel better I have never in my 3.5 years at GS been asked to wear “business formal”.

  2. Alex

    Ha, at my job I get mocked for wearing not-jeans. Yay, reporters.

  3. Zach

    C: That’s because you weren’t a napa?
    A: I h8 u.

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