I’m Running For Vice President

THIS AMUSING BLOG POST BROUGHT TO YOU BY CHURCHSIGNGENERATOR.COM, WHICH GAVE ME A SACK FULL OF $20 BILLS. PLEASE ENJOY A SERIES OF FAKE SIGNS AND SPEND MONEY ON THE INTERNET SHOPPING. DO IT.

Hello, my friends! My mayoral campaign, I’m sad to say, is sort of screwed. Bloomberg’s officially running for a Mussolini-esque third term, and I can’t bring myself to vote for any of those other d-bags — or to run as a Republican. Or a Working Family. My friends, there’s only one way Bloomberg can be stopped from running this city, and that’s when he returns to his home planet in an extremely expensive rocket — after denying for weeks that he’s been building a secret launchpad.

I can’t compete.

Anyway, let me pretend to totally change the subject so I can subtly bring it back to the main point. OK. Ready? My friends, did you see what Google did today? They were kind enough to bring back the Google from 2001, which is amazing and lets you track down all kinds of fascinating facts. Do you know how many hipsters there were in Bushwick in 2001? There were seven. Lindsay Lohan is still adorable, and her actual website only has 81,000 hits. I think this blog has had 81,000 hits today. Plus it looks like she designed it herself. Good god, the Internet used to be adorable. And have no more than five pages on any given topic.

But here’s what’s important. Try typing in “Sarah Palin”. Go ahead. I’ll wait. Or just click on the link.

Done?

Did you click it? Click it.

Did ya?

ZERO HITS. Zero. 000000000zero. Type my name in. I’ll wait. Check it out — I’ve got some hits, and I’m FOURTEEN YEARS OLD! (In 2001 I was, I mean. Now I’m 13 going on 30! Which, by the way, was still being written then.) Who was she? What was she doing? How do we even know she was a real person? You can tell I was flesh and blood in 2001, my friends, because I played in a chess tournament. (And went 0-7-1, jerks, now who’s the intellectual?!?) WTF. Did Alaska not have computers in the 90s? (Seriously. I’m really not sure.)

Well, fuck that! My friends, from now on, I’m running for vice president. After all, I’m a national superstar by 2001 standards. Just write me in. Or check Cynthia McKinney, because I’m already her VP candidate anyway. Down with everything! See you at the polls. Bring money.

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1 Comment

Filed under politricks, real life, Zach

One response to “I’m Running For Vice President

  1. Irina Paley

    Dear Zach,

    Once again, this comment is proof that I read your blog.

    Bloomberg is only slightly cooler than Bruce Campbell, let that be noted. I will vote for him (Bloomberg, that is, because Bruce Campbell is too hip for politics). I will vote for him because ever since I picked up my first Superman comic, it has been my fantasy to live in a world where Lex Luthor is the mayor. And here we have a chance to make that happen. Vote for Bloomberg. Ignore the new kryptonite public arts project in Times Square.

    – Irina

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