Category Archives: celebrity

Facebook: A Deal with the Debil

You guys, Facebook is totally evil just like that little scoundrel Damien, from the Omen, except that instead of being branded with the mark of the beast under its cute seven-year-old bowl cut, Facebook bears the hideous marks of all of its advertisers.

I learned about it the hard way. By getting a surprise motherfucking news bulletin about myself posted in everyone’s goddamn mini-feed! Do I need my smart friends who I lie to about what movies I see to know that I just Fandango’d two tickets to Role Models for tonight? No. Do I need some people I already told I would see it with and then totes didn’t invite to know that? No. So um…how come Fandango told Facebook to tell everyone about it. AND HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE!?????????????????

I did some research on psychic and determined that FACEBOOK IS!

I did some in-depth research on psychics and determined that FACEBOOK IS! ...it all fits....

And now, because I am the nicest blogger ever (except for those other more widely read and other regular people bloggarts who already covered this story in a far more cohesive, informative way) I am going to share this info with you so you can avoid what happened to me, so you won’t shake with rage and be forced to blog about it even though you hardly EVER blog about anything (I miss y’all too! Whatcha been up to? Leave a girl a comment what whaaaaat!).

Anyways! Have you ever noticed that if you happen to be thinking that maybe you would like to be engaged to your boyfriend or whatever, that sometimes a little annoying ad for engagement rings appears to the right of your stupid Facebook profile? Well, there’s a reason! You see, Facebook and its ad partners are watching you right now with their paid psychic mind-readers (see above illustration). They can see what you’re wearing and hear your private thoughts and they are feeding all of that info through super-computers located underground in the Facebook lair in Palo Alto, CA and turning it into statistics that it sends to GameFly and ebay and the Knot among others (full list of participants in FB “social ads).

How it works:

Facebook has access to hundreds of these magnificent super computers!

Facebook has access to hundreds of these magnificent super computers!

Remember: New Facebook is smarter than you think. Mark Zuckerberg is from the future. FB is very high-tech.

(*** Please not that the above image of the Starship Enterprise is meant to illustrate Facebooks high-techiness, but not neccessarily its from the futureiness because remember that episode where Captain Picard realized that they were probably stuck in a worm hole and might be repeating each moment over and over again for millions of years without even realizing? We dont know that Star Trek is from the future. It might exist in the past, present, and future all at once. Impossible to tell. Space!)

(*** Please not that the above image of the Starship Enterprise is meant to illustrate Facebook's "high-tech"iness, but not neccessarily its "from the future"iness because remember that episode where Captain Picard realized that they were probably stuck in a worm hole and might be repeating each moment over and over again for millions of years without even realizing? We don't know that Star Trek is from the future. It might exist in the past, present, and future all at once. Impossible to tell. Space!)

The only way to stop FB from making all of your private internet business public knowledge is to change your privacy settings. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CHANGE THEM.

Vanquish the hideous blood-sucking Facebook by throwing its ring of power into the lava and outrunning that giant boulder and returning to Tatooine to live out your days free from Big Brother’s oppressive 1984  grasp!!!!!!!!!!

You can do it! Vanquish them!

I was shocked to find that the first page of images for the word VANQUISH was pictures of this dumb car. I was hoping for a viking or something. The internet has gone to seed. Officially. When this car is our collective top image of vanquish

I was shocked to find that the first page of images for the word VANQUISH was pictures of this dumb car. I was hoping for a viking or something. The internet has gone to seed. Officially. When this car is our collective top image of "vanquish"

HERE’S SOME ADVICE: You should check to make sure that there isn’t a Facebook logo on basically anything you touch, for example your toilet. If there is one, it means that Facebook has a fucking ad deal with your toilet and it can advertise in your profile on behalf of your toilet to raise your toilet’s profile and hence, generate revenue for your toilet. If you don’t check, then don’t blame me when:

SO AND SO IS reading Teen People and peeing”

appears on your profile. I’m just trying to save your whole entire life and reputation. No big deal.

BUT DON’T WORRY THEY ARE ONLY DOING IT TO ENRICH YOUR SOCIAL LIFE AND MAKE ADS MORE INTERESTING!

From the News Feed/Wall Section of the Privacy Settings Page: “Facebook occasionally pairs advertisements with relevant social actions from a user’s friends to create Social Ads. Social Ads make advertisements more interesting and more tailored to you and your friends. These respect all privacy rules. You may opt out of appearing in your friends’ Social Ads below.”

My friends and I feel so special that you target us with weight-loss, chocolate, wedding portrait photographer, and celeb news publication ads! Thanks Facebook! NOT! IT MAKES US FEEL PATHETIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AKK! I love cats!

AKK! I love cats!

An ironic part is that the ad program Facebook runs to integrate ads into your profile based on internet activity un-related to Facebook is called Beacon. As in, it’s a Beacon of privacy-infringement in an already over-sharing world. (Speaking of over-sharing check out my tumblr!!!!)

In conclusion: Remember if you have a Facebook account it is not smart to register on any porn sites even under a fake name y’all, or else your aquaintences might get a mini-feed that says

So and so is enjoying himself! He’s just purchased a download of the Naylin’ Paylin video.”

Game over for getting that new job!

And now I must go, I have to link this hilarious blarg entry to all of my social networking profiles so everyone will know about and like me!

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Filed under celebrity, general complaints, Honor!, ladies, real life, world wide whaaaaat

When The Real Bill Clinton Comes Back

Quick political minute: WTF happened to Bill Clinton? Do you know? Does anyone? There’s something missing from the air, and it’s the sound of alto sax! And soprano sex! (Gennifer Flowers might have been a tenor, I don’t care)

Remember when Clinton could turn the world on with a smile? I’ve been that world. My brother had leprosy, but Bill Clinton touched him and now he is an astronaut. One time Bill Clinton said the word “Middle East” by accident and nothing blew up for nine whole months, anywhere. My mother had a goiter the size of a baby’s fist, but Bill Clinton came along, and do I even have to tell you what happened?

That’s right. Astronaut.

But lately the magic is gone. Bill Clinton just sorts of walking around looking pudgy and sweaty and insulting people and saying awkward things. Good presidents don’t say awkward things! Good presidents paint my house for me! Hell, even George Bush painted my house for me, but then he only made it halfway up and got bored. I gave him a glass of lemonade, but he fell asleep on the lawn. He snores like a motherfucker. Where was Bill Clinton? Not helping me out in my time of need, that’s for sure.

So what the hell happened? Was it the move to the suburbs? The gimmicky Harlem office? Not being president anymore? None of these things, my friends. There is only one explanation.

Bill Clinton has been replaced by a sophisticated robot. You don’t believe me? Look at his stiff motions. His lack of charisma. One time he referred to his daughter as a “fork” and his wife as “Other Robot R-662-A-B.” Those were enough to make me suspicious.

So I took action. Dressed all in black, I snuck quietly into the recess behind the podium at an underattended rally and made my way to the former president’s side. I whispered into his ear. What happens next should be obvious: I made Robot Bill Clinton explode, simply by saying the special command “notnilC lliB.”

Where’s Arsenio Hall to save us now? Oh, that’s right, there no longer is an Arsenio Hall. But never fear! The real Bill Clinton will arrive shortly, in a spaceship, hovering in a beautiful pillar of pure light. He’ll raise his hand and say “I did not say all those things about Barack Obama,” and we’ll all have a lively discussion about what “say” means, and then we’ll sort of just not fight in wars for ten years. And I’ll get a job that doesn’t involve knowing how those frozen hamburgers that come in a box are made. (Hint: It doesn’t make you want to eat them.)

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Filed under celebrity, politricks, Zach