Category Archives: ladies

Facebook: A Deal with the Debil

You guys, Facebook is totally evil just like that little scoundrel Damien, from the Omen, except that instead of being branded with the mark of the beast under its cute seven-year-old bowl cut, Facebook bears the hideous marks of all of its advertisers.

I learned about it the hard way. By getting a surprise motherfucking news bulletin about myself posted in everyone’s goddamn mini-feed! Do I need my smart friends who I lie to about what movies I see to know that I just Fandango’d two tickets to Role Models for tonight? No. Do I need some people I already told I would see it with and then totes didn’t invite to know that? No. So um…how come Fandango told Facebook to tell everyone about it. AND HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE!?????????????????

I did some research on psychic and determined that FACEBOOK IS!

I did some in-depth research on psychics and determined that FACEBOOK IS! ...it all fits....

And now, because I am the nicest blogger ever (except for those other more widely read and other regular people bloggarts who already covered this story in a far more cohesive, informative way) I am going to share this info with you so you can avoid what happened to me, so you won’t shake with rage and be forced to blog about it even though you hardly EVER blog about anything (I miss y’all too! Whatcha been up to? Leave a girl a comment what whaaaaat!).

Anyways! Have you ever noticed that if you happen to be thinking that maybe you would like to be engaged to your boyfriend or whatever, that sometimes a little annoying ad for engagement rings appears to the right of your stupid Facebook profile? Well, there’s a reason! You see, Facebook and its ad partners are watching you right now with their paid psychic mind-readers (see above illustration). They can see what you’re wearing and hear your private thoughts and they are feeding all of that info through super-computers located underground in the Facebook lair in Palo Alto, CA and turning it into statistics that it sends to GameFly and ebay and the Knot among others (full list of participants in FB “social ads).

How it works:

Facebook has access to hundreds of these magnificent super computers!

Facebook has access to hundreds of these magnificent super computers!

Remember: New Facebook is smarter than you think. Mark Zuckerberg is from the future. FB is very high-tech.

(*** Please not that the above image of the Starship Enterprise is meant to illustrate Facebooks high-techiness, but not neccessarily its from the futureiness because remember that episode where Captain Picard realized that they were probably stuck in a worm hole and might be repeating each moment over and over again for millions of years without even realizing? We dont know that Star Trek is from the future. It might exist in the past, present, and future all at once. Impossible to tell. Space!)

(*** Please not that the above image of the Starship Enterprise is meant to illustrate Facebook's "high-tech"iness, but not neccessarily its "from the future"iness because remember that episode where Captain Picard realized that they were probably stuck in a worm hole and might be repeating each moment over and over again for millions of years without even realizing? We don't know that Star Trek is from the future. It might exist in the past, present, and future all at once. Impossible to tell. Space!)

The only way to stop FB from making all of your private internet business public knowledge is to change your privacy settings. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD CHANGE THEM.

Vanquish the hideous blood-sucking Facebook by throwing its ring of power into the lava and outrunning that giant boulder and returning to Tatooine to live out your days free from Big Brother’s oppressive 1984  grasp!!!!!!!!!!

You can do it! Vanquish them!

I was shocked to find that the first page of images for the word VANQUISH was pictures of this dumb car. I was hoping for a viking or something. The internet has gone to seed. Officially. When this car is our collective top image of vanquish

I was shocked to find that the first page of images for the word VANQUISH was pictures of this dumb car. I was hoping for a viking or something. The internet has gone to seed. Officially. When this car is our collective top image of "vanquish"

HERE’S SOME ADVICE: You should check to make sure that there isn’t a Facebook logo on basically anything you touch, for example your toilet. If there is one, it means that Facebook has a fucking ad deal with your toilet and it can advertise in your profile on behalf of your toilet to raise your toilet’s profile and hence, generate revenue for your toilet. If you don’t check, then don’t blame me when:

SO AND SO IS reading Teen People and peeing”

appears on your profile. I’m just trying to save your whole entire life and reputation. No big deal.

BUT DON’T WORRY THEY ARE ONLY DOING IT TO ENRICH YOUR SOCIAL LIFE AND MAKE ADS MORE INTERESTING!

From the News Feed/Wall Section of the Privacy Settings Page: “Facebook occasionally pairs advertisements with relevant social actions from a user’s friends to create Social Ads. Social Ads make advertisements more interesting and more tailored to you and your friends. These respect all privacy rules. You may opt out of appearing in your friends’ Social Ads below.”

My friends and I feel so special that you target us with weight-loss, chocolate, wedding portrait photographer, and celeb news publication ads! Thanks Facebook! NOT! IT MAKES US FEEL PATHETIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AKK! I love cats!

AKK! I love cats!

An ironic part is that the ad program Facebook runs to integrate ads into your profile based on internet activity un-related to Facebook is called Beacon. As in, it’s a Beacon of privacy-infringement in an already over-sharing world. (Speaking of over-sharing check out my tumblr!!!!)

In conclusion: Remember if you have a Facebook account it is not smart to register on any porn sites even under a fake name y’all, or else your aquaintences might get a mini-feed that says

So and so is enjoying himself! He’s just purchased a download of the Naylin’ Paylin video.”

Game over for getting that new job!

And now I must go, I have to link this hilarious blarg entry to all of my social networking profiles so everyone will know about and like me!

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Filed under celebrity, general complaints, Honor!, ladies, real life, world wide whaaaaat

Animorphs: More Realistic than Gossip Girl

Gossip Girl really gets to me lately. Not only because I’ll never have stuff as nice as the 15 year old characters on the show, but also because the portrayals and plotlines in GG aren’t even CLOSE to possible. In my book, Gossip Girl is the exact same as Jurassic Park.

“Hey dinosaurs are alive again and we can ride on them and study their poop and stuff and if they attack us we can trick them by hiding in cabinets. It all happened because of fossils!”

“Hey this high school junior dressed head to toe in Anna Sui is being blackmailed by her mysteriously perma-vacationing 16-year-old friend for the time they accidentally killed someone during an orgy last year! Ohhh sophomore year memories!”

SAME THING!

I wouldn’t even take the time to write about it, but I watch the show and I sometimes forget that these characters are not supposed to be 28 (although even that is a stretch because I’m only 23 and most weeknights for me involve blowing off a party with lies about a funner party, and then going home, laying down, wearing workout clothes in an act of wild optimism, Tivo, Activia, and going to bed at 9:45 in said workout clothes….).

These characters seem older than me….but why are they in school uniforms? why are they studying for the SAT? They drink more than me, go out more than me, stay out later than me, are definitely taller than me, and have less well-meaning familial interference going on in their lives….so why is one of them grounded? OH RIGHT BECAUSE IT’S SCIENCE FICTION.

The scientific method can prove it!

Figure 1 is a picture of my own high school junior sister (age 16), compared side by side to Blair Waldorf (age 16).

Result:COMPARISON SHOWS ZERO SIMILARITIES

(facebook, http://www.ctv.ca)

(above: fig. 1)

Figure 2 is a picture of another unrealistic, sci fi high school show compared side by side to Gossip Girl. Note the consistently unrealistic leg length, and the leg to skirt ratio.

(gossipgirlonline.net, freewebs.com)

A=B

Gossip Girl would improve by being animated, so that when Jenny ticks off Blair, steam would come out of Blair’s ears and her eyes and mouth would get really small, and little blue sweat drops would hover at Jenny’s temples. THEN I would be willing to swallow my incredulity when the characters invest in burlesque clubs or decide to finish a semester across the world on a whim, due to social scandal.

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Filed under general complaints, Honor!, ladies, manhattan

Ladies: Are They The Problem?

Hello, friend! If you are like me, you are a 22-year-old single man living in Brooklyn. Which means that, statistically, you are not like me. Even if you are a man, and 22, and live in Brooklyn, it is quite unlikely. The reason is that ladies are the problem, especially here in Brooklyn. As Jay-Z (also from Brooklyn, have I mentioned Brooklyn enough Brooklyns?) said, “I have 99 problems, and women are 78 of them!”

Here is a drawing of a Brooklyn lady of the typical variety:

WARNING: This drawing is 100% accurate

Of course, there is nothing wrong with this. Everyone likes their ladies with funny hair and way too many piercings and T-shirts with dumb things written on them and big glasses. Well, I do, and I don’t care what you think, because we are talking about issues of personal taste you stupid bastard. But as it turns out, ladies don’t like the exact same thing, except for “guys” instead of “ladies”, and “not any piercings at all” instead of the thing I said about piercings. One time I got somebody else’s piercing stuck in my facial hair, which was not all that difficult to do, at the time, because I had a pimp beard. This is why ladies are the problem.

Now you say “but ladies can’t be the problem! Think of all the larger problems in the world!” Boy. You are so wrong it makes my head hurt. Think about the logic.

* If ladies were not the problem, would somebody be complaining about them on the Internet? QED. Nobody’s f-bombing complaining about global warming.

Now, you’re saying “but wait a minute, Brooklyn is full of fine ladies. Surely statistically some of them have some sort of genetic problem that forces them to love you.” Yes, that would seem likely, except for the fact that all these ladies are fake. You know how God put those dinosaur skeletons in the ground to test if you believed in Jesus? This is exactly like that. Those ladies are, in fact, made out of fossil fuels and will mostly make your car go. But the joke is on you, because nobody in Brooklyn has a car! You don’t know things!

This is exactly what ladies are like. Horses are baby dinosaurs.

Poorly-Thought-Out Argument Number Two: “But ladies are sexy!” No they aren’t! You’re thinking of Robert Redford. Now that’s sexy. QED. I’m going to go cry.

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Filed under brooklyn, ladies, Zach