Tag Archives: politricks

Obama O’Clock

obama-smoking

First smoker president, I bet

Well, we did it. Not me, I mean. I didn’t do anything except create viral ideas and launch them into the blogmosphere, like any patriotic young American would have done in my stead. Now it’s all over but the screaming — and boy, is there a lot of screaming! The entire borough of Brooklyn (well, everything north of Division Avenue and the BQE, which is as far as I was willing to bike drunkenly in circles in the rain for the last two hours) has devolved into one hugging/honking/shouting “woo” at passers-by festival, which is just terrific fun. There was one black person at the bar, and all the hipsters kept spontaneously hugging her, which must have gotten awkward after Hour Six. But it’s okay to be patronizing when shit is awesome.

Think of it! Although my loudly pronounced prediction that Obama would win Georgia did not, so much, pan out, I am fairly confident that (1) Sarah Palin will be on The View by next fall (2) I am going to get so sick of looking at photos of Jesse Jackson crying and (3) everything is perfect forever.

This was a good night. Beer was half off (yo, Miller High Life for $1.50 within the five boroughs, you can’t even get that kind of deal in Real America), everyone was optimistic, and the most conservative guy in the bar had voted for Obama — but got pissy when people booed McCain, which in Brooklyn places you somewhere to the right of 99% of the population, who are in favor of booing and of throwing batteries at the Democratic caucus because they won’t impeach the other 42 senators and all that. But hey. We’re excited. Look. Barack Obama stands for a better America. An America where anyone can make out with Katherine Heigl, if they want. Our long national hangover begins apace in the morning — when we realize that, despite how bitchin’ this all is, we are still completely fucked — but for now I’m going to bed in a good mood. SO LONG, HATERS! See you in 2012, when the remainder of Obama’s hair will no doubt have turned that sad grey color that most of it already is.

244082katherine-heigl-posters

“I voted for John McCain, but only because I can’t afford the
airfare to Brooklyn to make out with random bloggers”

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under brooklyn, general complaints, obama, politricks, real life, Uncategorized, Zach

I’m Running For Vice President

THIS AMUSING BLOG POST BROUGHT TO YOU BY CHURCHSIGNGENERATOR.COM, WHICH GAVE ME A SACK FULL OF $20 BILLS. PLEASE ENJOY A SERIES OF FAKE SIGNS AND SPEND MONEY ON THE INTERNET SHOPPING. DO IT.

Hello, my friends! My mayoral campaign, I’m sad to say, is sort of screwed. Bloomberg’s officially running for a Mussolini-esque third term, and I can’t bring myself to vote for any of those other d-bags — or to run as a Republican. Or a Working Family. My friends, there’s only one way Bloomberg can be stopped from running this city, and that’s when he returns to his home planet in an extremely expensive rocket — after denying for weeks that he’s been building a secret launchpad.

I can’t compete.

Anyway, let me pretend to totally change the subject so I can subtly bring it back to the main point. OK. Ready? My friends, did you see what Google did today? They were kind enough to bring back the Google from 2001, which is amazing and lets you track down all kinds of fascinating facts. Do you know how many hipsters there were in Bushwick in 2001? There were seven. Lindsay Lohan is still adorable, and her actual website only has 81,000 hits. I think this blog has had 81,000 hits today. Plus it looks like she designed it herself. Good god, the Internet used to be adorable. And have no more than five pages on any given topic.

But here’s what’s important. Try typing in “Sarah Palin”. Go ahead. I’ll wait. Or just click on the link.

Done?

Did you click it? Click it.

Did ya?

ZERO HITS. Zero. 000000000zero. Type my name in. I’ll wait. Check it out — I’ve got some hits, and I’m FOURTEEN YEARS OLD! (In 2001 I was, I mean. Now I’m 13 going on 30! Which, by the way, was still being written then.) Who was she? What was she doing? How do we even know she was a real person? You can tell I was flesh and blood in 2001, my friends, because I played in a chess tournament. (And went 0-7-1, jerks, now who’s the intellectual?!?) WTF. Did Alaska not have computers in the 90s? (Seriously. I’m really not sure.)

Well, fuck that! My friends, from now on, I’m running for vice president. After all, I’m a national superstar by 2001 standards. Just write me in. Or check Cynthia McKinney, because I’m already her VP candidate anyway. Down with everything! See you at the polls. Bring money.

1 Comment

Filed under politricks, real life, Zach

I Threw Up In My Mouth A Little

You know, I don’t really like to discuss politics. Sure, like most Americans, I guzzle Internet blogs and network news the way my car guzzles biodiesel. The way I drink Gatorade before I go do rugged outdoorsy things on my farm. The way my mortgage guzzles up all my savings. But I don’t really like to talk about politics unless somebody asks. Or if there’s a rally. Or if I’m sitting next to a stranger on the subway who looks like they need to hear my opinion. Thing is that every four years (except ’96 I guess) all of a sudden there’s nothing else to talk about.

John McCain is that wizard guy from the last Matrix movie.

My lovely co-blogger had an interesting experience yesterday, which it’s my privilege to relay to you. (Hopefully you weren’t going to blog about this too, Honor! KTHXBAI) After the barista handed over her morning coffee, she went to get a straw. The barista: “No time for a straw! Run, before you’re locked in!” Confusion ensued. As it turned out, Sarah Palin was crossing the street nearby, or some such BS, and the Secret Service had decided that this necessitated locking the doors at Starbucks for several minutes.

A quick “community moment” ensued. “God, Sarah Palin is just awful,” somebody said, and everyone else nodded and made agreeing noises. Honor’s analysis: “Well, when an entire Starbucks in Manhattan is against you, there’s no way you’ll ever succeed in America!” As New Yorkers, despite the fact that we are probably the most diverse group of people in the world — and the fact that, as a result, we all hate each other with a burning fury that makes, say,  forming an ORDERLY LINE to buy drinks at the BAR you STUPID ASSHOLES, impossible — it’s important to remember that we somehow emerge from this festering rage-stew with this weird left-wing consensus that practically everyone in the city agrees on. That’s why, periodically, we have to broadcast our political views to the remainder of the country so that we can be reminded that nobody else believes in them, not even a little.

In other words, it’s important to occasionally succumb to the urge to get down and throw a little mud. Start calling yourself a hockey mom. Overuse the term “Main Street” in economic analysis. It’s a healthy outlet for urges that would otherwise make me punch babies. But we have a serious problem, ladies and gentlemen. The state of political discourse is cratering, to quote Letterman’s unbelievably awesome seven-minute new-butt-ripping of McCain. Here’s why.

This weekend, Barack Obama will apparently be having a debate with an empty chair, as John McCain will apparently be too busy fixing the economy with his BARE HANDS or something. In the morning, USA Today will run an article saying that Middle America really identified with the chair, which was made of a sturdy mahogany with a subtle grain, and not Barack Obama — who was, if I’ve been reading the news correctly for the last four years, slurring his answers on account of his mouth will be full of pâté and cognac and sleeping with your daughter when you’re not home. Fox may accidentally report that he was wearing a lapel pin with the Iranian flag and set fire to a bald eagle. This shit, in a word, is fucked up.

So it is with a heavy heart that I tell you today: I am suspending my political blogging activities and catching the next flight to Washington, where I will remain until I have personally resolved this election. (Note to Secret Service wiretap agents reading this: Not in the way you’re thinking!) This is not a time to be a blogger — it’s a time to be a leader. P.S., see me on Katie Couric tonight! I’ll be wearing rouge. Don’t tell Dave, ‘kay?

Leave a comment

Filed under manhattan, politricks, real life, Uncategorized